Summer trips are your norms
They’re merely distant luxuries for me
Your grandiose house is your norm
My rent for this shack is a luxury
Your cultural experiences are your norm
Being able to mimic it via internet is my luxury
Your carefreeness and happiness is your norm
Reality orientation and knowing my limitations is my ball and chain norm
You give and I only receive
I give and you only take. Something’s wrong
Exhausted. All the time
Frustrated. All the time
Just letting it build. Until it breaks
Covers on, too hot
Windows open, too cold
Volume a notch up, too loud
One down, too down
So then a middle ground-
Stick out a leg
Open the window just a crack
Muster up all your willpower, you lazy
and slide that volume bar to the middle ground
Too honest, too brutal
Too fake, too disgusting
Too close, too painful
Too distant, too lonely
So then an arm’s distance-
Stick out an arm
Keep an arm’s distance
and the damage is only that arm’s distance
Just an arm’s distance-
What I use to keep myself from getting hurt
Why hello, precious little peony,
What can I help you with today?
Oh I see. You’ve got a little boo-boo on your tushy
Come hither, vent everything to me, you may
Why, little peony, is the world too tough for you?
Perhaps your greenhouse kept you from the cold and from what’s real
Sweet pea, you look so blue
Oh, I see. You’ve invited yourself to my quarters to heal
Why, little peony, of course I’m always happy
I’m no shrub from the tundra but I am a strong little cactus, I’ll say
You can’t see past my silly front so I’m always so carefree, never sappy
Sweet pea, you’ve never lived the real, ugly, merciless world that I have – you’ve never had a real price to pay
Why there, little peony, of course your little ordeal is worth so much drama
This is the most exciting confrontation of your life, after all
But little do you know, I go through the ugliness of poverty and crisis – the actual drama
Little do you know how it feels like to lose it all, then slowly work to death to earn it all
Why, little peony, little do you know that I never had the time to battle emotions
Just bottle it up
Never had the luxury to wallow in sentiments
Just moved on and kept my head up
I wonder how many batters I’ve made
trying to finally find that one perfect recipe
No, not even perfect. Perfection is too much for me to ask, my mate
Just something that’ll satiate my undying desire to make a decent cookie
First blame the recipe from online
Then doubt the oven
But maybe it was the impatience that made the cookies rather sublime
Or the overuse of baking soda that turned the cookies into mutant muffins
I’m not giving up – just taking a break
Looking for other things to do in the meanwhile
There’s more opportunities for me to bake
I’ll make my break worthwhile
Plan B,
I’m the one you go to when your options have been depleted
When you want something different from the usual
When you want to take a break from those you need to impress
Back up,
You’re the one I go to when I’m in dire need for someone I can be real with
When I want to embrace and be embraced
When I want some fun in my otherwise boring day
Side ho,
I’m the one you go to when your other friends are busy
When you feel like staying local and winding down
When you want to spend less effort but reap much admiration
Default friend
Never the first option, never the one that first pops into your head
Never the one you spill all of your frivolous stories to
Never the one you talk to the most
Never really an equal relationship
Never really just a low-maintenance friend
But always the unchanging constant to rely on
You smile as if nothing happened
As if this breaking news isn’t breaking your world
You smile as if the article you’re reading is truly humorous
As if it was truly funny enough to distract you
You smile as if you weren’t hurt
As if the careless words people vomit on you
and repercussions of others’ stupid actions didn’t hurt you
You smile as if you’re all right
As if I don’t see past the smile
But I now know you enough to see past your smile
The pained smile that you put on like an armor
The Wonder Woman you feign to be
The sacrifices you make trying to reassure me
so that I could have a peace of mind
I see past the smile
3AM Reflections 