Relapse

It really doesn’t take much to relapse

Just one drink

Just one smoke

Just one touch

Just one kiss

Just one thrill

 

The binging doesn’t start immediately

You try to fight it off

But that one drink

That one smoke

That one touch

That one kiss

That one thrill

 

Can’t get it out of your head

Can’t stop the feelings

Can’t stop the wavering

 

I’ve been good. This was a well-deserved reward

I deserve this. I’ve been clean for so long

Oh I missed this so much

I can breathe

I feel alive

Fuck it

 

I’ve always been this loser

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Your norm, my luxury

Summer trips are your norms

They’re merely distant luxuries for me

Your grandiose house is your norm

My rent for this shack is a luxury 

Your cultural experiences are your norm

Being able to mimic it via internet is my luxury 

Your carefreeness and happiness is your norm

Reality orientation and knowing my limitations is my ball and chain norm

Jealous

I get jealous

I used to not

Too busy with hell

Without the time to look around

I was always sprinting for better

Now I get jealous

But I don’t sprint anymore

I go for the long run

Because sprints aren’t gritty enough

For the long run, it’s all about the grit

I forgot for a while

Jealousy does blind you

Time does dull you

But facts never change

And that’s all the motivation I need for my grit

Cliché

The idea of feelings being confusing and jumbled up always seemed so cliché

You own your feelings, I thought. But really, what can I say 

Sometimes we become the fools that we admonished

Or the monster that we so despised

Sometimes, a small kindling can cause an unexpected divergence

Just an Arm’s Distance

Covers on, too hot

Windows open, too cold

Volume a notch up, too loud

One down, too down

 

So then a middle ground-

Stick out a leg

Open the window just a crack

Muster up all your willpower, you lazy

and slide that volume bar to the middle ground

 

Too honest, too brutal

Too fake, too disgusting

Too close, too painful

Too distant, too lonely

 

So then an arm’s distance-

Stick out an arm

Keep an arm’s distance

and the damage is only that arm’s distance

 

Just an arm’s distance-

What I use to keep myself from getting hurt

Dump it all on me, little peony

Why hello, precious little peony,

What can I help you with today?

Oh I see. You’ve got a little boo-boo on your tushy

Come hither, vent everything to me, you may

 

Why, little peony, is the world too tough for you?

Perhaps your greenhouse kept you from the cold and from what’s real

Sweet pea, you look so blue

Oh, I see. You’ve invited yourself to my quarters to heal

 

Why, little peony, of course I’m always happy

I’m no shrub from the tundra but I am a strong little cactus, I’ll say

You can’t see past my silly front so I’m always so carefree, never sappy

Sweet pea, you’ve never lived the real, ugly, merciless world that I have – you’ve never had a real price to pay

 

Why there, little peony, of course your little ordeal is worth so much drama

This is the most exciting confrontation of your life, after all

But little do you know, I go through the ugliness of poverty and crisis – the actual drama

Little do you know how it feels like to lose it all, then slowly work to death to earn it all

 

Why, little peony, little do you know that I never had the time to battle emotions

Just bottle it up

Never had the luxury to wallow in sentiments

Just moved on and kept my head up